I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
