nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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