3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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