i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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