I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
