so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just high enough for therapy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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