I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well I just put wine in my tea
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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