Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
