I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
