So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
