im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
