Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
