Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
