this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
