I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
