i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
