I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
