why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I deserve this hangover.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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