I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
