I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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