Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
