Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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