i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
