It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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