aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
