Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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