i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
