mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
