I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
