Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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