My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
