Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
