you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
