my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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