I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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