just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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