Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
