she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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