My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
