Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize