3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
