You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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