I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
