It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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