there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
