I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
