just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
