I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
