So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
