She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
