i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize