I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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