I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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