Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
