i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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