I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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