I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
