He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
